Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Do you know that feeling when you feel like collapsing?

When you have no strength to carry on? When a fake smile in front of  hundred of people isn't enough anymore? Do you know that feeling of emptiness, that feeling of perpetual insecurity? That need for someone to help you and you basically try to scream, you try to say "help me because I'm drowning" , but nothing comes out from your mouth, just a mere sound that no one ever hears. 

Do you know that point in life where you have to make a lot of choices and you have so many roads that you can take, but you never know which one is the right one. And it's true that life is a risk, it's true that sometimes you just have to let yourself go, that you have to stop thinking sometimes. But it's also true that if you mess up , you drown.. and I'm sick of drowning.. So I don't want to make any mistakes anymore, even if it's in the human nature. I want to go on calmly.

 I want to put myself on the first place, to take care of myself. But how could I do that? After seventeen years of trying to always make others happy instead of myself. I always thought that being aroung people that smile, and knowing I was the reason for that smile, even partially, was a great thing.  Knowing that someone smiles thanks to me is something that makes me feel good. The real problems come when I find myself late at night, in bed and do nothing but think about what went wrong during the day , what I did wrong.

"Being alone isn't as sad as feeling alone". It is as if in a hundred people ready to start a conversation there was one on the sideline, me. One that frankly would like to talk but can't, one that would tell her problems but is larger mentally. I used to believe that it's enough to look into someone eyes to make them understand how I feel. But I get it now, people want you to tell them straight in the face " I need you right now. I need to talk about how I feel" . I believe it's a pity to not be able to understand each other from only the looks one gives or the gestures one makes. We're already a generation of dead people. Dead emotions. The only thing that makes one happy, nowadays, is to get lost in technology. We all stand there in front of that stupid screen. Our face is dead, lost, always the same.

So forgive me if when you ask me how I am I say I'm a little good but perhaps a little bad. Sorry if I'm not joking around, I barely laugh, sorry for my childish behavior, sorry for my strange moments but most of all I'm sorry I don't tell you that I need you to listen to me. Sorry, but believe me sometimes I think "she will understand", but eventually you do not understand and I'm not able to talk. Even when you're wrong I'd like to scream into your face but my voice vanishes suddenly. It must be a matter of personality.

But despite all these, thank you. Thank you for all the moments when you're there for me, for the moments when you do everything just to make me laugh. Thank you.

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